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dear mom.
i know you wont be able to read this. but the fact that how much i want you to know how i feel, i really need and mean those.
you just gave me a call. i can say. out of the blues. hearing your voice, it made me feel two things. i miss you and im happy that you're damn fine. i mean, if you're still being cold towards sis, this thing will never end. how long do you want us to just be in this kindof state, mom. i need you damn badly. and the reason why you're angry with sis cos she sortof forced you to stay here just for my sake. i dunno whether you ever realise this or not but this's really unfair for me. sis had you when they're my age. but now, you expect me to be on my own, when now, this is the time that i need you the most. i can easily picture, my life with you around me all times, its gonna be perfect you know. you'll give me what i want, concerning the fact that im your youngest daughter. i need you and dad to pamper me, like how you two used to do that and at the same time, to jealous my sisters. i may be a happy kid or whatsoever you said the other, but like what i've told you mom, i dont show how i feel all times. i hide it cos i dont wanto add any burden to your life. i know, i may not be the perfect daughter to you. how much you want me to be just exactly like first sis and such, you hoped damn high for me. i know, i havent been studying so consistently, so that my grades will make you happy when i was sec one to three. but once i got into sec four, mom, i made the effort to study to make you happy and have more confidence in me. i know, the issue when you got called down by school to settle the shit about me getting caught for lesbianism, i know how shit you felt and you cant just believe it that that's your daughter that you're dealing with. all those shit i've caused in the family, losing my trust to whoever it may concern that hurts you damn badly. when you found out that i drink, i smoke, you gave up and pass the responsibilty to bro. out of all these disappointment, there's only one thing that i've made you be proud of me and that's to pass my n level and continue to sec five. maybe, slightly, that made you happy was that, to give you a sum of money, out of my salary that i received. eventhough, it wasnt that much, but mom, i feel a lil' but responsible then. and im still trying my bast to make you happy mom. that 17 seconds talk we had, i can sense that you were trying to control yourself from crying. i know, i was so unemotional when i talked to you, but the after-effect after reading it, it hurts me damn badly mom.
sigh i really miss you and when, when are you coming back here for a visit? |
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chemicallyloved's journal
